Techniques/Philosophies for Repairing a Relationship

Craig Gaunson (B. Soc Sci. (Psychology))

Gestalt Therapy - Gestalt therapy, developed by Perls in the 1950’s, focuses on the power of holistic thinking, that is looks at main concepts, thoughts, feelings, rather than being too specific and pedantic - who said what etc. – which often leads to arguments, point scoring, and unhappiness. Gestalt philosophy suggests that the “Whole is greater than the sum of its parts.” The two main therapeutic components are Here and Now (existentialism) and Unfinished Business.

Here and Now - The past no longer exists and the future is yet to exist. Therefore reality is found in the Here and Now, or the present. If we constantly take care of the here and now we are taking care of the future. Focusing on the past or the future often leads to negativity and depression. It is still possible of course to concentrate on doing things in the present for the future, but the emphasis must remain in the Here and Now. Alcoholics Anonymous and many other support groups use this philosophy.

Unfinished Business - Unfinished Business refers to things said and done in the past which creates negative feelings between the individuals involved in the present. Often couples find that they can not positively resolve problems in their present relationship, or continue in their present relationship until they resolve Unfinished Business. When couples refer to things which have been said or done in the past which have upset them, it must be done in a positive manner; that is a non-blaming, non-point scoring manner.

Cognitive Behaviour therapy (CBT) - Aaron Beck 1970's

Cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) is a form of therapy that helps a person to change unhelpful or unhealthy thinking habits, feelings and behaviours.

CBT involves the use of practical self-help strategies, which are designed to bring about positive and immediate changes in the person’s quality of life.

The core philosophy of CBT is that thoughts, feelings and behaviours combine to influence a person’s quality of life. CBT aims to teach people that it is possible to have control over one’s thoughts, feelings and behaviours. CBT helps the person to challenge and overcome automatic beliefs, and use practical strategies to change or modify their behaviour. The result is more positive feelings, which in turn lead to more positive thoughts and behaviours.

CBT is a combination of two techniques:

CBT focuses on changing unhelpful or unhealthy thoughts and behaviours. It is a combination of two therapies: ‘Cognitive Therapy’ and ‘Behaviour Therapy’. The underlying belief of both these techniques is that healthy thoughts lead to healthy feelings and behaviours. Some of the underlying theories of these two approaches include:

Cognitive Therapy – the aim here is to change the way the person thinks about the issue that’s causing concern. Flawed or Distorted Thoughts cause Self - Destructive Feelings and Behaviours. These Include:- Self Fulfilling Prophecies – “My relationship will fail”, Black And White Thinking – “My relationship is good or bad,” Catastrophising – “After what I said it’s all over,” Mind Reading – “She looked at me strangely, she is angry about last night,” Labelling – “I’m a hopeless father,” after you make a mistake with your children, Overgeneralising – “She is always in a bad mood.”

For example, someone who thinks they are unworthy of love or respect may feel that their partner doesn’t really love them. Cognitive therapy challenges these flawed thoughts. Many techniques are available. One technique involves asking the person to come up with evidence to ‘prove’ that they are unlovable. This may include prompting the person to acknowledge the family, friends, and partner, who loves and respect them by challenging their thoughts: For example “ Why does your partner help you with ….. if she/he doesn’t love you?” This evidence helps the person to realise that their underlying belief is false. This is called ‘Cognitive Restructuring’ – or “Reframing.” The person learns to identify and challenge flawed thoughts, and replace them with more realistic thoughts.

Behavioural Therapy – the aim here is to teach the person techniques or skills to alter their behaviour. For example, a person who criticises their partner because they feel like they are unworthy themselves, can be taught to be more confident using positive self affirmations, or the power of positive thinking etc. Negative thoughts and feelings ease as the person discovers their own self-worth, and the person will discontinue the criticism.

Positive Changes In a person’s behaviour leads to not only positive thoughts and feelings for them, but the others they interact with. This, in turn, causes those who are being interacted with, to exhibit more positive behaviours and thoughts and feelings to the target person. For example, the person above stops criticising their partner, therefore the partner stops getting angry, and stops viewing the person as being critical.                                                             

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